Friday, January 4, 2008

Here . . . Again.

I don't know if there is a way to be pre-pregnant-- for your body to know that you will be conceiving shortly. The months leading up to my second pregnancy have played out eerily similarly to my last.

First Step: Freak out about school and drop out within the first week (last time it was grad school, this time it was law school). Check!

Second Step: Get unexplained and incurable migraines for a month straight. This should have been a red flag, and believe me, I did start to get paranoid.

Third Step: Eat and gain weight as though you are pregnant. To be exact - get up to 140 lbs again. Start having severe abdominal pain if you sit in your "fat" jeans for too long because they are cutting off your circulation. I should have rejoiced to get my period after all this, and then quarantined my husband to another room for the next few months.

Should is a strong word. This did, after all, happen last time, and it wasn't what I wanted, but it became what I wanted. I had to sacrifice a lot and change a lot, but I can't imagine a more perfect mistake.

Anyway, to be perfectly clear, O is solely responsible for my impregnation, and that's all I'm going to say about that. That is one thing that makes this pregnancy different. I harbored some resentment toward him for a few days just because I'm starting school again and didn't want to be crazy pregnant woman during an already stressful situation, but there's no point in holding a grudge. If I freak out and quit school again, then maybe I will hold a grudge despite my best efforts.

I do want another child, and I don't think you can really plan these things, but I really wanted it to be somewhat controlled-- more on my terms this time, but I can't help but be excited. After a year of swearing I never wanted to be pregnant again, I had been seeing pregnant bellies everywhere and remembering all of happy memories of my first pregnancy. I think it is some weird evolutionary hormone surge that happens around the time your last child turns one.

It is easier and harder the second time around. Easier because you know what to expect. Harder because you know what can happen (all the things that can go wrong).

Anyway, I decided that I just have to write this time. I hate that I forgot everything about the last pregnancy, that those memories are slowly fading away. I also need to do something meditative since I am crazy pregnant lady in two stressful situations: starting school again not to mention while pregnant, and my crazy ass sister just started living with us. I say crazy ass with all of the love and respect in the world. Writing is the only thing that gave me a sense of identity and kept me sane for so many years and now the only time I do it is via email. Sad.

Ok, that's all for now or I'm going to blog myself out and end up with 3 posts total like the last pregnancy.